How To Catch A Goat
Our eyes met from across the pen.
It was on.
I was alone and had to treat an eye infection in a 45 lb goat kid before it spread to the rest of the herd. And, let me tell you, this one was wild. Acting as if I wasn't interested in her, I was able to walk within about four feet of her and then I threw myself in her general direction and grabbed a leg. The first rule of catching a goat is to never hesitate. This small goat that weighed one-third of what I did was able to drag me at least four feet. Somehow we ended up with me flat on my back in mud and her on top of my chest, with my left arm wrapped around her neck and my right arm wrapped around her lower abdomen. The Teramycin (antibiotic) was in the front right pocket of my jeans. How was I going to get it out, open the tube and squeeze it in her eye?
The second rule of catching a goat is if you have somehow gotten ahold of it, you do not let go even if it’s kicking you in the face. Using strength found in the "I f****** hate goats" part of my brain, I rolled onto my side and then rolled again so I was laying on top of her. Using my body weight to hold her down, I grabbed the medicine out of my pocket, untwisted the cap with the same hand I was holding it in, held her eye open and squirted it in.
The third rule of catching a goat is to know what type of goat you are dealing with.
We need to take a step back here for those of you who don't know goats. There are three types of goats. The first type is the friendly goat. They can be identified easily because they like to press their head against your leg and slowly lean into you. They also paw at you and sometimes try to lay on your lap even though, when full grown, they are 150 pounds. They think you are amazing and that you will do nothing to hurt them, ever. This is the stupidest type of goat but also, the best.
The second type is the indifferent goat. This is your normal, average, run of the mill goat that generally goes where it should, when it should, and is quite indifferent your existence. All you are is the bringer of food in the winter. This type can be identified by their general lack of gratitude. They are of average intelligence.
The third type is the wild goat. This type is the kind that if one day you stopped feeding and watering them they would be fine. They’d go feral quicker than a dog rolls in fresh horse shit. You are not irrelevant to them. You are a threat. They can be identified by the look in their eyes and their location on the outer edge of the herd. They are always watching you. They are smarter than you.
It is imperative you know what type of goat you are dealing with.
The fourth rule of catching a goat is to wear sensible footwear. Cowboy boots? Really? This isn't a fucking fashion show. That’s a recipe for slipping and falling on your ass. Oh, and rule number five is don’t have anything sharp in your pockets because you will fall and you may end up stabbing yourself in the leg.
To Catch Goat Type I: The Friendly Goat
The goat walks up to you and asks you what it can do for you today. You scratch it on the head and say, "Thank you goat, please follow me."
To Catch A Goat Type II: The Indifferent Goat
The goat notices you walk into the pen but loses interest when it sees you don't have anything of value. You use your zen-like, emotionless and calm demeanor you’ve cultivated over the years to lull it into a false sense of security. "Nothing to see here goat," you say to yourself. The sixth rule of catching a goat is you never make eye contact with the target. NEVER. Do not look at it, do not think about it, do not acknowledge its existence.
The seventh rule of catching a goat is YOU DO NOT GET ANGRY. You slowly walk through the herd scritching and petting the friendly goats until you are near the indifferent goat and then in one motion, too quick to be registered by the goat, you grab it by a leg and hold on for dear life. They are stronger than they look and you just startled them. You are about to get dragged across the ground. Do not let go. Do not show weakness.The qualifier rule here is that if it is a wild goat, rule number six and seven are null and void.
To Catch A Goat Type III: The Wild Goat
This goat knew you were going to come in to the pen to try to catch it before you even opened your eyes that morning. They knew before you even made that stupid decision to get goats in the first place. There is no way in hell they are letting you get near them.
So, what is a goat rancher to do? It usually involves at least two people unless you're an expert goat catcher like myself. You get as close as you can, have someone else block off their main exit and you throw yourself in their general direction, arms out in front of you, aiming to grab on to a back foot and if you are lucky enough to get that back foot, you hold on like you’ve never held on to anything before in your life.
Rule number eight is to watch out for their horns. There is no more zen, no more quiet movements through the herd. It is all out tackle football. You cannot have any regard for your body. You must act with decisiveness.
Rule number nine, if you hesitate, you lose.