Goat Pimp

* If you are offended or think you may become offended by somewhat graphic descriptions of goat foreplay and sex, stop reading right now. The other day, I was in the farmyard with the wood splitter, cutting up a big pile of elm. I can’t hear much over the sounds of the splitter or my ear protection so I was startled when I looked up and there was an old green Ford pickup parked right next to me. “You in charge here?”  A guy yelled out the window. “Why?” I said after a short pause. I’m going to stop the story here and tell you that this is my standard answer for three questions that I’m asked frequently. Am I in charge? Am I Tom’s daughter? And, are those your goats? Oh, and one more since my sister had babies. What are you doing this weekend? That means she wants me to babysit. Back to the story. The man said, well, I was wonderin' if those goats I see when I drive by are your goats, I’m a bus driver and man they’re good lookin' goats and I have goats too but I'll be goddamned if my Pygmy buck can’t get himself up on my Boer doe to get ‘er done and well you got those good lookin’ Boer goats and I got to thinkin’ I could bring my doe down to your place and one of your bucks could knock her up and what do you charge for something like that? *** If you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing a goat buck in rut, then you’re missing out on one of the most disgusting and fascinating displays of male sexuality that exists on this planet. A buck in rut is stinky and horny and angry. The first time I smelled a buck in rut I’m pretty sure I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Fortunately, seven years later, I can’t smell it anymore because my olfactory senses are traumatized and shut down.
And they are horny. You do not put yourself in between a rutting buck and a doe in heat. The buck urinates on his belly, his face, his beard and his front legs. Then he lifts his upper lip in order to detect pheromones that the doe puts off to tell him she is in heat. (And I know right now you are lifting your upper lip up, throwing your head in the air and turning it from side to side to see what it’s like. Seriously, just do it.)
Then, if a doe is around, she will squat and urinate and he will place his nose in the urine stream. He’ll follow her around, kicking out one of his front legs letting out a weird barking sound as he does it.
Now, prepare yourself. If you have a sensitive stomach and a vivid imagination, you should probably skip to the end of the blog. He then gets himself off with his mouth and ejaculates on his face and stomach and beard. After he is covered in semen and urine, he mounts the doe to finish his business. Nice, huh.
***
So, this entire spectacle is going through my head as the nice old man asks me how much I charge for it. And I hesitate. And he says again, “You in charge?” And then I say, “Nope, I just work here.” The new goat buck that took the place of Perfecto.  

8 Comments on “Goat Pimp

  1. And Great writing! Your articles are interesting to read:) Thanks!

  2. That’s hilarious, Alexis. Even with all of our twisty ways, we’ve got nothing on them goats. Wonder if Pan ever did this?

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  6. If you weren’t such a brilliant writer, the world would continue on with no idea why f——-g often precedes “goats”. Just lost five pounds laffing. Once my 200 lb billy “Red Ears” got in the back door——–no problem, he ran into my bedroom, jumped on the bed, peed, pooed, and launched through the window using his massive horns. If I could have caught him, it would have been with a large shard of glass pointed at this g———d f——–g throat.

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