Goat Pimp

The other day, I was splitting wood for winter. I couldn't hear much over the sounds of the splitter or my ear protection so I was startled when I looked up and there was an old green Ford pickup parked right next to me.

A random guy: “You in charge here?”

Me: (5 second hesitation) “Why?”

I'll stop the story here and tell you that "why" is my standard answer for three questions I’m frequently asked: Am I in charge? Am I Tom’s daughter? And, are those your goats? Never say yes right away.

Man:"Well, I was wonderin' if those goats I see when I drive by are your goats, I’m a bus driver and man they’re good lookin' goats and I have goats too but I'll be goddamned if my Pygmy buck can’t get himself up on my Boer doe to get ‘er done and well you got those good lookin’ Boer goats and I got to thinkin’ I could bring my doe down to your place and one of your bucks could knock her up and what do you charge for something like that?

Me: "Ummm"

If you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing a goat buck in rut, then you’re missing out on one of the most disgusting and fascinating displays of male sexuality that exists on this planet. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

A goat buck in rut is stinky and horny and angry. The first time I smelled a buck in rut, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Fortunately, seven years later, I can’t smell it anymore because my olfactory senses are traumatized and shut down.

And, they are horny. Horny like you've never seen. They are angry if they don't get what they want. If you are an intelligent being you would never put yourself between a rutting buck and a doe in heat.

The buck urinates on his belly, his face, his beard and his front legs. Yum. And then he lifts his upper lip in order to detect pheromones that the doe is putting off to let him know she is in heat.

[Enter, the doe in heat]

She walks toward the buck, she sways her hips, and then squats and urinates. He places his nose in the urine stream. Oh yeah. Then, he follows her around, kicking out one of his front legs in a rigid duck step letting out a weird barking sound. If she's really into it she rubs herself up against him.

The goat buck then gives himself a blow job and ejaculates on his face and stomach and beard. It's all part of the courtship. After he is covered in semen and urine, he mounts the doe to finish his business. You know it hit the spot when she thrusts her hips forward. Mark it on the calendar; a baby goat will be born five months later.

Makes you wonder, about a lot of things, doesn't it?

Let's return to the opening scene: me, cutting wood and listening to a nice old man ask me how much I would charge for my goat buck to knock up his does.

Random Guy: So...how much?

Me: (silence)

Him: “You in charge?”

Me: “Nope, I just work here.” (I turn and point to Mike, who is walking up from the bottom pastures)

Me: "That guy, that guy's in charge."

The new goat buck that took the place of Perfecto.  

8 Comments on “Goat Pimp

  1. And Great writing! Your articles are interesting to read:) Thanks!

  2. I knew goats were amazing creatures, but who know they were so darn limber?! Nicely done. But where are the photos? Kidding.

  3. That’s hilarious, Alexis. Even with all of our twisty ways, we’ve got nothing on them goats. Wonder if Pan ever did this?

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  7. If you weren’t such a brilliant writer, the world would continue on with no idea why f——-g often precedes “goats”. Just lost five pounds laffing. Once my 200 lb billy “Red Ears” got in the back door——–no problem, he ran into my bedroom, jumped on the bed, peed, pooed, and launched through the window using his massive horns. If I could have caught him, it would have been with a large shard of glass pointed at this g———d f——–g throat.